Wasserwerks - Waterworks

It’s unlikely that much of the population really gets how water works in their bodies. I certainly don’t, even though I was only two marks shy of a double A in science at GCSE. Two marks out of six hundred! Double B isn’t anything. I’d have been happier with double D, as at least I could make a series of hilarious tit-related jokes in those usually quite stressful hours leading to a suicide attempt. The point is anything written beyond this sentence is guaranteed to be riddled with the scientific inaccuracies of someone who spent most of their biology and chemistry lessons smushing kidneys into people’s exercise books and burning pencil cases respectively. So there. But anyway, as far as I know, you drink, the fluid gets filtered, and the body takes the useful stuff to do useful stuff, and magically turns the rest into poo and piss. Chiefly the latter, unless you’ve got a bad case of the shits. Armed with this very basic understanding, I tend to swig mostly water because the amount crap to be strained through my liver is far less than that of most other, more heavily marketed soft drinks. Clearly I’m ignoring the fact I drink a fair bit of alcohol when I’m out, and a fair bit coffee when at work, but both can be attributed to peer pressure so conveniently don’t count. It just amazing me how much liquid turd people put in their bodies when they’re not trying to fit in. Fizzy, sugar-saturated tooth-rot juice in a can is bigger than the Beatles ever were, but why? Celebrity advertising campaigns can’t hurt, but if after another perfectly choreographed kick-about shot in full HD, David Beckham and his fellow impoverished football buddies grinned and turned to the camera quaffing a pint of ball sweat, would you leg down ASDA to get some? Actually, stupid question. Of course you would. It’s David Beckham! Whatever, the fact my food intake the last few days has consisted almost entirely of cookies, donuts and the occasional supermarket sandwich suggests I can’t judge anyone on dietary issues - solid or liquid. And I have to leave for work in a minute for another caffeine-filled whoosh of a day - I just want to be popular!