Bonbon - Sweet

Sweets are great for your teeth. Toothpaste corporations lie, dentists lie, your parents lie - everyone lies. Except me. All those shock tactics back in school showing some poor sod’s mouth rotting itself to a soupy dentine-enamel goop were nothing more than anti-sweet propaganda circulated by faceless people, without faces. Somewhere. Conspiring to bring down all that is good, chocolaty and the opposite of sour - except of course Haribo Sour Mix - to some confusing, yet clearly sinister goal. It’s a plot so intricate even CTU don’t know what’s going on. And they’ve been trying to figure it out for decades - that’s why it always took so long to deal with the relentless threat to Los Angeles; fifty extra agents were out back working to unravel the confectioniracy, and bring the perpetrators to a sticky (probably toffee-based) end. Given half the time was spent coming up with the name confectionircy - such a triumph of punnery it had to be written again. No, scratch all that, I’m lying. In fact I’m sitting, but the point is you didn’t hear anything about any confectionircy, because it doesn’t exist. Shhhh. Sweets are terrible for you. Not only will they make your smile worse than being repeatedly bashed round chops with a garden strimmer, but they’ll make you hideously fat too. So fat you can’t even leave the house to get your fill discerning looks and insults that might actually make you think twice before shovelling sixteen kilos of pick ’n’ mix through your facehole in a single sitting. Anyway, I’m being told via megaphone my house is surrounded and that they’re gonna burst through the window in thirty seconds. So I’ll post this now, but by the time you read it it’ll have almost certainly been re-edited to be far shitter than it originally was. Bottom line: it’s not my fault and, most importantly, there is no confectionircy.