Raubfisch - Predatory Fish

Forget Alien Vs Predator and its lacklustre sequel Requiem. We’ve seen both fight it out far too many times already to stomach another tedious encounter conveniently taking place on earth, and always amongst a community of actors falling miserably short of the Hollywood A-list. The Alien and Predator hybrid was far too predictable, so what’s needed is something a bit different. If they must see earth as the MGM Grand of galactic battle venues, both species need to cease their boring hostilities for a minute to check out some of the interesting earthling creatures as potential mates, both strategically and sexually. Sharks, for example, would make friends instantly with the Predators - they’ve been made to look like complete bastards by humans on film since the 70’s. Roy Schneider might be dead, but it can’t take much to convince them Rob Schneider was really behind Jaws’ death. Personally I can’t think of anyone more deserving of a vicious and leg-ingesting revenge chomp attack. The sharks also have a legitimate beef with all those cocky surfer pricks who’ve had the audacity to masquerade as seals over the years. The great white community loved Kiss From a Rose and don’t take kindly to smug little shits imitating such a revered British soul legend. Incidentally, they didn’t so much like Batman Forever - after reading Jonathan Ross touted it as “One of the greatest films ever made”, their high hopes were thoroughly dashed. It’s also a little-known fact that as a result, a large proportion of those complaints to the BBC about Ross and Brand’s prank phone calls came from both coastal and off shore waters with temperatures between 12 and 24°C. But anyway, if the shark-Predator alliance didn’t work out, I’m sure some great white DNA extraction could be arranged by those clever aliens (the Predators that is, not the Aliens) to fashion some kind of weaponised predatory fish to throw at those more evil aliens (the actual Aliens). Tenuous linkage and poor language constructs aside, that would make more for a far more interesting film. The Alien queen could also do the dirty with a blue whale or an entire pod of up-for-it, cocksure dolphins to spawn an army of half-Alien water-based predatory mammals, who’ll also happily kill all humans for equally demeaning and offensive shit committed to celluloid. The more I think about it, the better it sounds. AVP: Ocean Madness. Give me twenty minutes to write the script, another thirty to get it green-lit and come July, cinemas will be packed with brainless twerps paying to see it, happily scoffing down their sea-salty popcorn and slurping gallon after gallon of their revolting, yet cleverly marketed Tango Brineblast. It could possibly be the most magical moment in cinema since Space Chimps.