Koalition - Coalition

Not a week passes without at least one or two coalition soldiers being killed by attention-seeking tossers in Iraq or Afghanistan. That’s what they are, because they know with every extra death reported on western media, every additional bit of sombre footage featuring flag-draped coffins being ceremoniously loaded off planes, the more attention and kudos they‘ll get. Coalition forces could destroy a Taleban stronghold in Afghanistan, wiping out a thousand wannabe-Ladens, but news-wise that’s easily trumped by some twat in a Vauxhall Nova packed with explosives and nails going off in a Royal Marine’s face. Actually, they probably don’t have Novas in Hellmand Province, but I‘d happily pay shipping costs to send them some of ours. With the owners gagged and strapped inside, of course. Our idiots modify their cars with dickish stereos, spoilers and alloy wheels, while the militants do up theirs with bombs and, well more bombs. Both are driven by misguided, arrogant pricks with a god complex, and neither give a shit about any sort of civilised human existence. It‘s a tough call as to which I‘d prefer being parked outside my house. At least the suicide bomber causes just one noisy disturbance, rather than the sustained banging chunes and fighting Gaz/Kev/Daz and his fuckwit friends are guaranteed to provide. But I digress. The problem is soldier deaths have got to be such a regular occurrence, I‘m totally desensitised. It doesn’t shock me any more to hear the most gruesome details of an improvised explosive device lodging shrapnel in skulls, severing body parts or disrupting Jenga games - it’s all be done before. As twisted as it sounds, to get my attention now, the militants would have to take it to a whole new level. If media attention is what they’re after, they should know that western audiences quickly get bored of the same crap and always need something original. I’m not about to make a load of horrific scenario suggestions - partly because I don’t fancy being put on government watch list, but mostly because it’s always a bit more exciting to be surprised. Before you get all uppity, I’m not suggesting it has to be all about killing. If the whole conflict could be sorted out via a cheery Gladiators-come-It’s A Knockout romp on Sky 1, that’d be brilliant. Shadow would definitely come back for a few bags of Afghan smack, and when was the last time you saw Keith Chegwin on the telly? Two media careers revived and a seemingly endless bloody conflict resolved through a piss-poor ninety minutes of low-budget family fun. Nobel Peace Prize, here I come!