Anstossig - Offensive

Pissflaps. Fuckend. Cocktease. Shitstabber. Twat. Not words I’d expect Ed Petrie, presenter of Children’s BBC, to utter on camera. But he did. In a dream I had. I blame on the kid’s summer holidays. It seems almost every film I start at work is preceded by an advert featuring Mr Petrie and Oucho, his faithful talking cactus companion, basically dicking around in what I presume used to be The Broom Cupboard. Oucho is a poor man’s Ed the Duck, who was in turn a poor man’s Gordon the Gopher - we’ll clearly never reclaim the glory days of CBBC! But then I am 25 years old now, so you could say I‘m not exactly in touch with what today‘s young ‘uns. I don’t own a handheld stabbing-device for one. But anyway, Petrie and Oucho are inoffensive enough, but the advert starts to really grate after thirty or forty viewings. My dream basically parodied the entire skit and ended up being something more akin to Wonder Showzen than something you‘d expect to see at four in the afternoon on BBC1. So Ed, instead of popping balloons on Oucho’s head, bursts a condom filled with wee and gives a sinister cackle when they’re both all covered in urine. Then Oucho notices someone doing something untoward in the front row. In the real ad they insinuate, somewhat ambiguously, that a man is picking his nose. However, in my version, Ed uttered something like “That’s nothing, check this shit out, you prickly little prick,” - not a massively funny insult, but I still sleep-laughed. He then stands on the desk and starts repeatedly performing the Hitler salute while shouting a whole host of completely irrelevant expletives. I don’t remember much after this, but I have a feeling it went on in a similarly despicable, but surprisingly entertaining fashion for quite some time. Since having the dream, I’ve found the advert far more palatable. I stare out at the audience and like to imagine their shocked and outraged reactions to Ed Petrie, the potty-mouthed, golden showering Nazi sympathiser. And I smile.