Stier - Bull

I’m tempted to quote the Kubrick classic, Full Metal Jacket, and the homophobic, yet thoroughly entertaining rant of drill sergeant Hartman. Think queers, steers and Texas. If that still isn’t ringing any cow bells, then firstly shame on you for not seeing one of the top three Vietnam, if not all war, movies ever made. Secondly, double that shame, and march quickly to your nearest video store or computer and either rent or illegally download as swiftly as possible. It’s brilliant. Anyway, I’ll attempt to steer this piece away from blatant film humping to something more civilised: artificial insemination. Not only do prize-winning bulls get denied actual sex with hot cows, but they’re forced into an inter-special, second base liaison with a bearded man called Jeff. Or Bryan. Other names could be used, but those are the two most popular, according to my imagination. It can’t be much more fun for the she-bull receiving the freshly churned calf-batter. They could at least make the turkey baster -come- splooge-spurter vibrate a little, or at least be topped by a picture of Bully from the popular 80’s TV darts show. Still, as dreadfully unsexy as the whole business sounds, it can’t be any worse than being eaten by Jeff or Bryan.