Augentrophen - Eye Drops

How many eye drops does the average glass eye owner achieve in a given year? Images of artificial eyes dropping on the floor and rolling around comically, a la Pirates of the Caribbean, fill my head. I’d guess the reality is actually not nearly as funny. It’s more likely that someone’s aged great grandfather is going through his morning ritual of attaching his synthetic body parts when disaster strikes. He’s going well, having already glued in his teeth, re-attached his hearing aid and arranged his toupee to stunningly dapper effect. All that remains is this eye, which has been bobbing in a concentrate saline solution all night. He takes it out of the old jam jar he’s kept it in since the Korean War, gives a quick spit-shine, gets it within millimetres of his face and fumbles it! Bouncing off the sink, it ricochets around the bathroom and ends up in the most dank and soggiest of all places: under the U-bend. After cursing like a sailor, despite being an ex-airman, he bends down only for his hair to slide off into the unemptied bathtub, and horribly, as he cranes his neck in time to watch it semi-submerge, his hearing aid works its way loose and plops into the toilet. So deaf, half blind, and hairless, he scrambles around behind the crapper, his knees now almost as damp as the toupee, until he finally clasps his arthritic hand around it and pops it straight in. He’ll gamble on the risk of infection because he’s sick of getting called Jack Sparrow’s Dad whenever he wears his black eye patch to the shops. The hearing aid is just flushed and another is taken from his unexplained and convenient massive stockpile. As for the hair piece, it’ll be wrung out put straight back atop his shiny dome, as he hopes to achieve a just showered look, to somehow prove he’s not in fact a bald man. So in retrospect, maybe eye drops in real life are just as hilarious as Jerry Bruckheimer portrays them on the big screen. Short of befriending a one-eyed person and poking them till they drop it, I’ll probably never know.