Danke - Thank You

Nothing says thank you better than a box of Cadbury’s Roses. If you’ve guilt-tripped your neighbour into looking after your dog for two weeks while you’re living it up in a Spanish resort, a box of assorted toffees and biscuity chocolates are all it takes to repay them. For a longer holiday, or more demanding favour, the box can be upgraded in size accordingly up to the highest denomination - the tin. If you’re buying them more than a tin, it indicates you’ve really taken the piss with your favour demands. Just because Mr Nerdy Geek next door has a degree in computer science doesn’t mean he can solve all of your PC problems for free! An IT expert would charge something like eighty quid an hour to diagnose and solve whatever it is that’s messing your computer up, but some people think a three pounds box of chocolates is payment enough! It’s more a fuck you than a thank you. Now a tin would be a little better, but probably not enough. If we must make payment through the chocolaty-treat channel, I think we need some sort of formula for working out the exact amount of Roses required based on the monetary value of the favour. A tin, I’m theorising, should be equal to roughly one hundred pounds, a large box about fifty, a medium box - thirty, and a small box around fifteen to twenty. Kennel costs for two weeks are approximately 250 pounds, that’s two tins and a large box. Two hours fixing your computer, around 150 pounds, so one tin and one large box. Simple. Now far bigger favours that have no strict cash value would be harder to work out. Getting someone to help dispose of a corpse might require in excess of ten or twelve tins with an extra few packs of hazelnut whirls to boot. Someone smuggling several kilos of uncut heroin through Heathrow for you, perhaps twenty tins. An assassination: thirty or forty. Now it’s important to remember that while people appreciate gifts as thanks, actually expressing gratitude verbally is gratefully received. Sure, you may have given Mr Gunman of number 35 a large amount of sweets for removing to the top half of your ex-partner‘s face, but to look him directly in the eye and saying the words, ‘Thank You’ would probably mean a lot more to him. The chocolates alone are meaningless, but couple with a heart-felled danke, everyone is much happier.