Übernachten - Stay Overnight

Yesterday I had to stay overnight at a mate’s place after drinking myself into an embarrassing babbling stupor, somehow reasoning it was a good idea to down a bottle of wine after the beer ran out. It really wasn’t. I recall very little of the wankered pre-passed-out stage, but remember repeating “Beer before wine, you’ll feel fine…what the fuck?” - much to the amusement of several onlookers. It was so confusing, I felt betrayed by the rhyme. How could something that rhymed be so wrong? To my monged brain, the adage suggested two or even three bottles sauvignon on top of the beer couldn’t touch me. This was just one! “But the rhyme… it said I’d be fine…” More laughter. Fade out. I woke up at 8am this morning on a couch, wrapped in a dubiously-stained duvet, with a well-positioned sick bucket on the floor next to my puke hole. Thankfully its services were not required. I needed to walk 2.7 miles (I Google-Mapped it) back home in order to leave for work a few hours later. With a throbbing headache, neither were especially fun prospects. But missing a shift would leave even less money to piss away on other Christmas and new year booze-ups. Unthinkable. Fortunately, about forty seconds from where I flog video games to spoilt, hateful children and chronically virginal males, there’s a KFC. The idea of binging on chicken quickly became an obsession, making the journey home a far less eventful version Harold and Kumar Get The Munchies. Although it was a bit exciting when the guy gave me an extra large chips for no reason. Anyway, it did the job, so I could do mine, despite feeling more spaced out than Jas Mann from Babylon Zoo.

It’s now 11pm and things are getting hazy again. Nausea has returned and draws its power from the scrolling text and blinking cursor. That means it’s time to wrap this piece up more clumsily than a blind, one-armed midget would a mountain bike, but not before mentioning it’s apparently “Beer after wine and you’ll feel fine.” So swapping them round next time absolutely guarantees a state of eternal fineness. One last thing: you’d do good to prepare for more boozer‘s-remorse drivel over the next couple of weeks. You’ve been warned.