Mittwoch Morgan - Wednesday Morning

Check your calendars, I‘m not lying! It is, most aptly, an actual, genuine, bona fide, non-made-up Wednesday morning. Oversleeping as usual, a bleary-eyed me turned on the TV around 10:30 to see the usual selection of daytime turd across the four and a half channels my aerial deems worthy of Andy viewing. Channel Five is mostly static, like a freak snowstorm has blown into the studio, invisible and undetectable by Matthew Wright’s Wright Stuff panel, audience and crew. A bit like a cruddy horror film where everyone else is carrying on as normal, oblivious to the dangerous stab-crazy mental who’s right bloody there. I felt like calling in saying “Get out! You’re all going to die! Hypothermia‘s a silent killer!” But no doubt before I got that last bit out they’d have evacuated the building, rounded up any suspicious people nearby (read: non-white), and called Sky News so they can scare the shit out of the entire country with talk of hyper-mega-terrorism. Within seconds they’d be smashing through my window to treat me to a lovely piece of 45-days-without-charge detention. All because the digital signal to my TV is so diluted I constantly get the psychedelic multicoloured squares with stuttering bits of speech more suited to an early Cronenberg flick than The Jeremy Kyle Show. So the trusty analogue signal has to suffice, causing the constant blizzards on Five, meanwhile sending the other four channels back to the late 80’s, creating an odd futuristic-past feel - al la The Matrix - as grainy presenters talk about high-speed broadband and super-hi-def TVs. Instead of watching BBC News by default, these days I end up catching a medley of Homes Under the Hammer, This Morning, and Loose Women, the latter featuring less eye-candy, more eye-cancer as host and panel guests alike are routinely ugly and annoying. If they weren’t so rich and famous, the only screen time they’d get would be doing ASDA or B&Q ads, being well and truly part of the haggard underclass that I’d assume (most sweepingly) watch Loose Women every day. Except for me. I’m still not nearly irritating, overweight or unemployed enough. Ouch. Yep, I’m a horrid person. Oh well, not enough time to re-edit now, as an evening of cleaning up after Terminator 4-viewing idiots awaits. I’m sure that’ll make me feel less jaded. Or just want to kill all humans. Yeah, probably just wanting kill all humans.