Karaoke - Karaoke

A spine-chilling word synonymous with tacky nights out, featuring a cacophonous soundtrack so excruciating it’ll make your ears wish they could commit hari-kari. That’s according to the Oxford English Dictionary, anyway. Were I editor-in-chief. At best, it’s a bit of drunken fun. You and your friends caterwauling the night away, not giving a crap about the actual tune, words, or pitch while concurrently managing to piss off all the stupidly serious idiots surrounding you. At worst - which is most of the time - it’s an unbearably self-indulgent practice of completely unjustified vocal-strutting. Most people who think they can sing really can’t, yet they feel the need to prove to everyone they’re only working that shit job in accounts till they catch their big break. Even though they’re thirty-eight. But rest assured, they’ll still be trying out for X Factor every year, almost certainly secretly wishing terminal illness on a close friend or family member to get that all-important sympathy vote. Not so much tugging at heartstrings as wrenching them out with a pair of comically oversized pliers. X Factor's popularity gives every pea-brained, futureless cretin hope that they too can make oodles of cash for opening their mouths and making noise. I’m sure it’s this dream that’s made karaoke so much more popular over the last few years, to the point it’s now encroaching on what was once the zenith of geekdom - console gaming. Singstar on the Playstation 3 allows you to broadcast video of your auditory GBH across the Internet, turning what was once a format for the shy and nerdy into just another showboating prick-platform. Next it’ll be Games Workshop X Factor x-treme role playing, featuring replica figurines of JLS and Same-(it‘s only illegal if you catch us doing it)-Difference. Roll a 1 or 2 to get insulted to tears by Simon, a 3 to 5 is a suitably average performance, but on a 6 you nail it. You‘re through to the final! You get to sing live in front of dwarves, trolls, ogres and all the other hideous, lens-cracking members of the ITV studio audience! Actually, the idea that the outcome is somehow down to chance is a bit far-fetched. It’s more likely that the character you choose to play determines which loaded dice you get to roll. Nutcase middle-aged twins, take 1-2. Ugly-but-talented waitress from Rotherham, take a 3-5. Stunningly beautiful, highly marketable blonde from London, take a 6! Clearly I’m being far too cynical. Not everyone who takes karaoke seriously is a freak, some just enjoy listening to their own voice over a poorly balanced PA system in a dingy room surrounded by apathetic onlookers, every one of them feigning smiles and offering fake nods of encouragement as they hear the same songs they‘ve heard a million times before, a million times better. Now having never been to a karaoke bar, all this is completely speculative. But they do say speculativeness is next to godliness, and godliness is next to cleanliness, which is in turn next to OCD which is reasonably close to AJW - my initials. So how could I possibly be wrong?