Ersatzreifen - Spare Tyre

I lack both the literal spare tyre, on account of me not possessing a car or a bizarre wheel collection, as well as the non-literal spare tyre, or the massively attractive, overhanging fold of blubbery fat around the waist. The two aren’t related in my case, although there may well be a greater proportion of overweight drivers compared to their leg-using, walking counterparts. I use my feet to get to work and back most days - a solid twenty-five minute brisk walk, that seems to take most other people closer to forty. So perhaps this does help stave off the blobby belly, but I’m quite convinced I could do almost zero exercise and eat pizza for every meal and still remain stupidly thin. It’s a curse. I’d make for a terrible healthy living advert: Andrew eats whatever he wants and does absolutely nothing all day, yet doesn’t gain any weight! What’s his secret?! Is it AIDS? We’ll find out after a blood test! Well I certainly hope it isn’t AIDS, because that would be a bummer, especially given I’ve never bummed anyone or been bummed. That’s an awfully homophobic thing to say. Straight people get it too. I know, I was simply playing on the stereotype for comic effect. And now you’ve ruined it. But in truth, the scary thing is that apparently twenty percent of HIV carriers don’t even know they’ve got it. Being such an obsessive compulsive clean and hygiene freak, I get panicked whenever I see any sort of open wound not because I’m squeamish, but on the off chance any blood somehow finds its way into my mouth or anywhere, and that it’s infected. And even if that did happen, who goes for an AIDS test based on that? I’d probably end up having to say I’ve been having lots of unprotected sex up the shitter just to be taken seriously. But once they do finally cure AIDS, it could almost, in some horribly warped way, be used as an easy weight-loss solution to shed that spare tyre. Just pay a sufferer to do a fatty up the bum or in one of their bed sore-encrusted folds, leave for six months to a year, then administer the cure after the immune system, and subsequently the pounds are wasted away.